A Cold Hard Slap to Padma’s* Ego

Insights on the way to enlightenment

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Ego. We all need at least some ego or we couldn’t function. But most often, it’s out of control and it keeps me from a more authentic life I’m told.

There’s the imbalanced ego that gives me too high an opinion of myself. Or too low.

There’s the healthy ego that gives me the good sense to care for myself and look after my physical needs: food, clothing, shelter.

Ramana, a well known Indian guru who had his awakening at the foot of Arunachala hill, meditated himself out of ego on his way to enlightenment. Had it not been for care given him in those first months, he would likely have died: of starvation, or of having been consumed by vermin — insects and rats — in the dank hole he inhabited at Arunachaleshwara Temple.

Mastery of the ego is what spiritual seekers aim for and mine is probably going to take some bruising if I’m ever to be real.

Sometimes we need some big experience to smack us so we can see and confront the truth about ourselves, our motives, and what stands in the way of becoming who we truly are.

By the time I arrived in India in 2011, I’d given up on gurus and courses and seeking. It was my last trip to India in 2007 that had sealed my resolve.

Back then, I had attended a 21-day course that cost thousands of dollars, plus airfare, and promised full on awakening.

I know. I got what I deserved for my gullibility, my stupidity, my misplaced trust. And it wasn’t enlightenment. More like my pockets were vacuumed and I received a cold, hard lesson in how things really work.

I resolved that I would continue my spiritual practices, god knows, I’d learned a lot of techniques over the years, but no more gurus, no more seeking. No more wasting time. And money. Done. Fini.

Spiritually, I was bedraggled. I’d been on a quest since my early teens. I’d had some wonderful spiritual highs that were drugs really, but they hadn’t come about through drugs. They were realizations that led to moments of nirvana, the most enduring of which lasted three days.

And these blissful experiences just set me up for wanting more. They were spiritual crack and truly, they had nothing to do with true awakening.

Honestly, I am less a spiritual seeker than a spiritual crack addict.

When the bliss dissolves, I want more. Hence, the search for that celestial dope is never ending.

The search itself is addictive.

This was my mindset when I met Sakthi Amma.

Shortly after I landed at Tiruvannamalai in 2011, my son-in-law, Saran, had a business meeting with Nathalie, who lived about 80 kilometers away. After their meeting, I asked Nathalie about her life in India, where she lived, what she did there.

She started with where she lived and her guru. Then she stopped abruptly.

“I really can’t describe it. You have to visit in person. You must have your own experience.

“Come for the full moon in October — the 12th. All of you. You will see for yourselves. You’ll attend puja with Amma.”

True enough. After the tour of Sripuram Peedam, I was completely awed by all that Amma, who has no formal education and is from a poor, working class family, had created in just twenty years. There had been nothing but a dusty path through this bare, parched land when Amma settled here.

Now there were primary schools, a hospital, nursing school, trash recycling and organic compost center, tree nursery and expansive reforestation project, organic vegetable gardens, water reclamation and purification, ghoshala — a palace truly — for milk cows and cows retired from production, cow gifting to families in need, projects for learning skills like sewing, a huge public dining room that served free meals daily to all visitors, guest houses, accommodations for priests and their families, and many temples, including the grandest golden temple in the world.

Amma employed more than 2,000 people back in 2011, I’m not sure how many now that there are even more projects: aid for prisoners returning to society, Ayurveda medicine clinic, a marriage hall.

And I was completely taken with what Amma had created and all of the projects for people. And for nature.

Amma was a village boy who preferred time in the temples over time in school. At age 16, he left home and took up his calling. He has always performed daily puja — ceremonies — and over the years, he has built this spiritual center, which is not only for Hindus but for all people.

Being at Sripuram was like coming home. But wary of my history, wary of my addiction to spiritual crack, I resolved that I would not spend large sums of money to be in Amma’s presence. And certainly, Amma didn’t require it.

I never spoke it to Amma, but I sent the message in prayer: it is enough to be in your presence; I do not need to be invited for private sessions, or meals with you. Some devotees were. I only asked for blessings, guidance, and ultimately, inner freedom.

Looking back, it was a version of Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed. Matthew 8:8

And it was likely more from my own shyness and awkwardness in the presence of someone of rank, status — it was from my ego. At the time, I wasn’t aware of that.

Based on that first visit, I rented an apartment near Sripuram. I did daily seva — gardening, service at the guest house, and at two of the children’s schools.

And I attended daily puja at Shanti Mandapam — the Peace Hall — which pujas were open to the public. Sometimes we were invited to Amma’s house for a private puja on the verandah, always a privilege.

Over the next five years, I kept my apartment and alternated between the Sripuram campus for six months and home in the US.

During that five year span, and ongoing, things changed at Sripuram. It grew considerably and there are a lot more devotees who came to Sripuram than back in 2011. Some were invited for private time with Amma, private pujas.

I was nearly always invited to pujas at Amma’s house that were open to certain groups of devotees.

One evening, I went over to Peace Hall for puja but was told it would be at Amma’s house. So I went to the guest house and waited for the call.

When the call came after about an hour, Siva, who had taken the call, went out and let those who were invited know. When he returned, he didn’t say anything to me so I asked and he said, no, you were not included.

In life, there are shocks that shake you to the core. This went straight to my heart.

Of course, the mind starts right in trying to figure it out: have I done something wrong? Have I offended Amma? What did I do?

Amma, who is said to know everything, absolutely knew that this would level me. Why?

Over the years, I had seen some devotees included and others not. I knew one young Western woman who lived at Sripuram year-round. She was almost never invited. I wondered how she felt about that?

I remembered a couple of times being specifically invited but ignoring the invitation. It was dark out, I was home, comfortable. It was past my bedtime. And of course, on our way to enlightenment, we should never have to get up too early or stay up too late, never be inconvenienced, too cold, too warm, hungry, thirsty, out of our comfort zone …

I remembered things I’d heard about Amma. Yes, Amma has favorites but you’ll never know who they are by how Amma treats them.

There was grumbling among devotees, especially since Amma’s time was more limited because there were so many new devotees. Some who were used to the old ways and greater access to Amma, left Sripuram.

All of these things went through my mind and I remembered my intention: freedom.

And I recognized that what happened was that my ego was bruised; rejection was only of consequence to ego.

Did I survive? Yes. Of course.

Though I moved away from Sripuram, it was to work with my daughter and son-in-law at their guest house back in Tiruvannamalai. I returned now and then, sometimes with a group of guests who wanted to experience Sripuram, sometimes on my own.

Sometimes when I approach Amma for theerthum after puja, Amma looks away. And I realize that again, it’s ego that wants special attention, wants Amma to light up when he sees me. Ego wants acknowledgment, recognition, to be special.

Though it may be years between visits, Amma always remembers my name. And though sometimes I long for extra attention, blessings, directly from Amma, I realize that there’s always a Divine force at work in my life. What more could anyone want than that?

And I count my blessings: I have great health, not one but two beautiful places to live, I have family and friends and sobriety. My needs are more than met today.

Will my life be improved with outward signs of Amma’s approval and attention? It’s unlikely. Because the more of that I have, the more I want. Of everything. The ego can never be satisfied.

That is the way of the ego.

The key is to be aware of it.

*Padma is the name I use while in India.

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